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  • Writer's pictureArlene Bozich

If I Had A Time Machine I'd Go Back and Repeatedly Kick Ronald Reagan in the Nuts

I guess I’m writing this to anyone with time travel technology. Hello. If you don’t happen to possess that, you’re welcome to keep reading. But for those who are considering lending me your Delorean or TARDIS, I would like to make my case as to why it’s imperative that I return to the past and be allowed to kick Ronald Reagan in the nuts as many times as I can in an effort to stop him from ruining our democracy. Permit me to explain.

In the years Ronald Reagan held office, 1980-88, the United States not only saw the largest redistribution of wealth up to the wealthy in a single generation, but we witnessed the obliteration of worker’s rights and wages, coordinated through the perversion of the moral core through religious, Christian infiltration of our governmental apparatus. Now, Ronald Reagan, much like D-Money Traitor 45, is not to blame for this system in full- they are both the gross, destructive results of a Neoliberal takeover. But, if given the opportunity to travel back repeatedly to practice kicks that I perfected in 12 years of soccer training on the former president’s groin, I believe that he can be the Pinata Warning to any big business that attempts to buy our democracy- if I hit him hard enough, they won’t try to mess with any of us again. Through my time travel actions, we can actually save many of the lives lost in the AIDs epidemic, the U.S.’s botched COVID response, and the hundreds of thousands of victims of Reganomics, or Supply-Side “Trickle Down” economic theory- the houseless, the ill, the working poor, and the creatives who were all wiped out en masse from his maliciously inept leadership.

See, Reagan was able to get away with selling Supply Side economics because the U.S. had a period of high inflation and stagnant job employment when he ran for President. Nevermind that economists were already pointing out that the system didn’t make any fucking sense, no- shoving this ideology forcibly down everyone’s throat with a ‘trustworthy’, i.e. familiar face (Ronnie Boy was a B-list actor before his days as a spokesperson for General Electric) was a necessary move if the greedy class wanted to steal everything from the rest of us. The greedy bastards knew that they needed to divide people, but not make it obvious that they were responsible for the divide. At this point, labor and wealth were intrinsically connected- so the market responses were actually useful information for everyone to base the nation’s financial health on. When Reagan was done implementing his and his greedy friend’s system, the 70% wealth tax that was funding and helping communities grow strong was slashed to 28%. The huge corporate tax breaks he promised to all his rich friends had to be paid for through worker layoffs, like when he personally fired 12,000 Air Traffic controllers for striking at their working conditions and stagnant wages. As federal employees, it was civil disobedience to strike- but the workers needed to be heard, and no one was listening. Half of all flights were grounded in the strike. And, instead of negotiating, Reagan fired them all. It’s similar to Biden breaking the train strikes, only to have East Palestine, OH bombed immediately after. The workers know when something is wrong and, when you don’t listen, you destroy hundreds of thousands of lives in the community. After this forcible, systemic violence that pushed thousands of people to unemployment, and also because the wealthy had been given so many economic advantages through the Gipper’s presidency, the markets were no longer a usable diagnostic for the relationship between wealth and productivity, but everyone continued to pretend like it was. Labor no longer mattered to the markets- the markets would now be used to dictate how much labor the rich would exploit and squeeze from workers. This is also where the betrayal of the working and middle class by Republicucks, led by their main business daddy Ronnie Rapey-vibes, happened.

When Ronald ran for President, 1/3rd of all workers were unionized. Strikes used to number in the thousands per year- now we’re lucky if there are 20. But their collective action is what led to the 8-hour work day, child labor laws, the weekend, and other benefits. And it wasn’t all peaceful, no- labor battles are actual battles, as seen when Coal Companies paired with the U.S. Government to attack and kill coal miners. With so many instances of worker exploitation being met with violence in the U.S., workers' rights are essential to the functioning of a government, let alone a basic democracy. So, Ronald Reagan’s direct betrayal of the labor movement cuts even deeper, knowing that each victory was steeped in actual blood. Ronnie used his status as a former labor leader for the Screen Actors Guild as a way to get elected as president, to get in good with the working class that he was looking to rip apart for cash. Never mind that he leveraged his time as President of the Guild to give a waiver during the strike that led to his eventual employment. Shady. Never mind that through this backroom deal, he got his job as the General Electric spokesperson and began only hanging out with rich people who exploit public services for private cash flow. His union busting of the air traffic controllers was later- he managed to convince the working class he was on their side while gutting their ability to keep their employers in check, destroying their union power, and ruining the American Dream that had been available to them, under the guise of individuality and bootstrapping. Because your life was your problem, according to Reaganomics- and his brand of Christianity. But he used every trick from his theatrical training to keep the image of a tough, gun-touting cowboy that was rugged enough to be President. Ignore the fact that he did drag and all sorts of ‘soft’ parts over the year- the rough demeanor was necessary to appeal to the rich, who wanted someone charming and bold to offset any rage from the working class and redirect it internally. If the poor blamed themselves for the trouble the rich had caused them, they would never even think to fight back.

See, the reason I need to use your time machine is to stop Ronald Reagan’s darkest sin- his fear-mongering tactics that have continued to poison our country through to the present day in the forms of ghost skinning in our law enforcement and class warfare by the wealthy in profit gouging. In order to pull the curtain over the deep destruction and failure of the systems he put in place (trickle-down, supply-side economics was disproven and advised against before and during Reagan’s presidency- he knew it would hurt most Americans and he did it anyway), Ronnie needed people to blame themselves and scapegoat anyone who could threaten his image- which consisted of a ‘rugged’ individual morality & responsibility. He coined the term “Welfare Queens” by lying about Linda Taylor’s story. She was a black woman who had gamed the system for $8,000 in a year, but Reagan lied and said she had drained the state of $150,000 a year. Even at the time, a majority of welfare and benefits users were white & male- he purposely put a target on a black woman because he was a white, Christian nationalist who needed someone else to point the blame at. The War on Drugs was a further incrimination of Reagan’s policies; the Nixon administration admitted that the purpose was to criminalize and punish black people and ‘hippies’, or the students that were protesting Nixon’s policies the fiercest. Ronnie, by continuing this lie and using drug addiction as a moral failure instead of a medical problem, has literally destroyed black and minority communities. Finally, the scapegoating of the gay community. By ignoring the AIDs epidemic that affected drug users and the gay community primarily, Reagan made a choice to let a plague murder citizens he found morally inferior. Through his association with the “Moral Majority” Christian group (who are the reason he was elected), he was able to claim that religion is the same as morality, so in order for politics to have an ethical backing, they must be steeped in religion, never mind the separation of church and state. And the religion of the Moral Majority was that of individual responsibility to get to Heaven and avoid Hell- by their terms. They were also functioning off the mistranslation of Biblical text that was originally targeting pedophiles, but had been translated to demonize gay people. They weaponized this mistranslation to fuel the hate towards the LGBTQ community, the sick, the poor- according to this religion, it was everyone’s individual fault they were suffering under the system and if they wanted ‘God’s Love’, i.e. Resources to Not Die, they needed to ‘choose’ to change who they were and conform to that religion’s herd mentality.

See, I need to go back and publicly kick Ronald Reagan in the nuts as many times as possible because he was the first President to always be on camera- and I want this footage. He and Nancy were actors before they were in politics- they understood the importance of imagery and how to manipulate their performances for different messages. Hell, the Gipper is the first politician to effectively weaponize dog whistles in the U.S. political arena. So if I can publicly destroy his image, show him as weak and unable to stop a rampant woman from nutting him at every opportunity, none of his other ideas will have a chance to take hold. Who wants to listen to a random actor who says racist, homophobic stuff, then gets his ass kicked by a woman who is able to clearly point out how and why he’s responsible for so much suffering? Because I promise, with each kick I’ll scream out exactly why each following bit of assault is happening. Maybe I’m kicking him for letting his friend Rock Hudson and so many others die of AIDs. Maybe I’ll go all the way back to when he was just negotiating on behalf of SAG and kick him in the nuts when he suggests providing a work waiver during the strike. Hell, the first time he says “Let’s Make America Great Again,” I’ll kick him and ask him why he wants to be a slave owner, or keep women from voting, or destroy workers like the robber barons did- there was already enough context in history for his idea to return to the past to already be ludicrous for so many Americans. He was just able to sell it because he was unchallenged. And remember the German saying, if there is one Nazi at the table and the nine other people don’t challenge him, there are ten Nazis sitting at the table. Actual, direct confrontation is the only way to stop these bastards and I need your time machine to nip it in the bud. And by nipping in the bud, I mean letting me loose in 1980 during his and President Carter’s only debate so I can nut Reagan before he can let loose that contemptuous, “There you go again,” line. Please. Let me go again. And again.

Look, I get it if you don’t want to give me your time machine, I do. I might be making sense, but it’s also extremely aggressive in terms of timeline changes. But as you look at the modern Republicuck party and see how every single bit of his work has enabled these minority party fascists to destroy our democracy (the U.S. has been an oligarchy controlled by the wealthy since the 2010 Citizens United decision was purchased by a conservative billionaire Harlan Crow, when he bought Judge Clarence Thomas’s vote in the matter), you can see it’s essential for you to lend me your machine and not only save the world, but give it some of the best Funniest Home Video footage we’ll ever see- Ronald Reagan getting nailed in the nuts in public close to a hundred different times. What a dream!

If you don’t want to let me do that, can I go back and push Henry Kissinger in front of bus before he burns Laos to hell? I’ll take that as a consolation prize. Killing him now just seems pathetic, no wonder the Grim Reaper has continued to let him live.


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